Tweet
This is pretty old so maybe you've already seen it, but if not it hits the mark. Reminds me of the days when I rode a stock Harley 45 and guys at gas stations kept insisting that it was an Indian because Harley never made a motor like that.
As I pull into the gas station on my black and orange Sportster, I am already on the lookout.
On Pump 1 I've got a middle-aged man driving a Valiant with an OCC sticker in the back window. Definite offender, better keep my distance.
Pump 3, a younger guy with a 4x4 Toyata truck. A safer bet than Pump 1, but the retiree filling his Coupe DeVille at Pump 9 looks like my best option.
I kill the motor and roll in to 8 as quiet as I can. Without getting off my bike or removing my helmet, I pull out my wallet, shove my card into the machine, pop the gas cap and grab the high octane nozzle.
If my tank was bigger than a canteen, I wouldn't have to do this so often. But the man in the Cadillac is ignoring me, so it might turn out OK.
BEEP BEEP, "Error. See Cashier". Dammit.
I drop the kickstand, take off my helmet and glasses and get in line
behind Cadillac Man. He pays for his gas and buys a banana.
Who buys fruit at a gas station?
By the time the cashier straightens me out, the Caddy next to my bike is replaced with an Expedition sporting a big giant HARLEY-DAVIDSON sticker on the back. ****.
I hoped this year would be different. I thought the hype was over. I prayed that I could go this entire year without having to discuss Jesse freaking James with some jackass American Chopper fanboy driving a rig with a bike sticker on it.
He steps out of the vehicle and looks over at my bike, and I know all my hopes and dreams for the 2005 riding season are ****ed. He walks up to me like I'm a hot peice of ass drinking a Manhattan alone at the bar.
"Hey man, nice bike."
That's usually how they start out.
"Thanks" I say, trying to sound polite and rude at the same time.
Obviously needing more from this conversation, he opts for the
"establish the bad guy" approach. "I almost bought one of these last
year but my wife wanted a new roof."
Sometimes it's better to say nothing. It makes people uncomfortable and they leave. But every now and then, keeping quiet makes them start looking over the bike and asking more annoying questions.
"That a custom exhaust?"
Well, ****. The word "custom" has been used. I panic but can only mutter out a "yep" before he launches into the inevitable banter that I was trying so hard to avoid. Once they say "custom", it's basically over.
"Yeah man I was watching Orange County choppers the other day man did you see that spider web bike man that this was sweet they like fabricated all the parts for and stuff and you love choppers don't you because I think they're sweet and on American Chopper they made a trike out of a volkswagon and did all sorts of radical stuff and it was so awesome and I want to have Jesse Jame's man babies Chopper CHOPPer rake bike stretch custom chrome and the was a bike build-off on the discovery channel did you see it and the old guy was all pissed off at the young guys and they just argued the whole time but somehow they managed to make an awesome bike I bet you saw it yeah you love them too right they made it for Shaq for like $85,000 Chopper chopper chopper choppers chopper orange county american steel chopper bike chopper frame rake ape hangers custom custom custom custom custom I love the discovery channel so much OCC WCC BAD DOG CHOPPERS CHOPPERS INC OMG I want to put beach bars on my refrigerator and like put a lowering kit on it but you know the wife making me buy a car and a house instead man but if it was up to me I'd be living free and riding free on the open road just like Peter Fonda and Jack Nicolaus but I wouldn't get killed with a shotgun you know what I mean har har cause that would suck and I saw this documentary on Sturgis and all these people were there riding free and checking out the black hills rally rally bike bike custom chopper chopper fabricate chrome chrome chrome sturgis I was gonna ride to sturgis this year but I didn't have a bike and I had a trailer to bring it but the wife made me sell the trailer hitch so she could buy a new eddie bauer stroller for our baby and some cleets for my kids man I know my kids will grow up to be bikers but right now I'm doing the parenting thing and stuff I may look soft but I'm deep down a real hardcore free riding open road biker man just like you trust me if I had the dough I'd be cruisin with you just like Orange County Choppers check out this tattoo I got it's a maltese cross I don't know what that means but its all over every chopper thing because I love choppers you love choppers we all love choppers choppers choppser choppers chopperchopper chopper CHOPPER CHOPPERPEOHRHCHEOCPEPOCHEOR OMG OMG OMG CAN I HAVE SEX WITH YOUR BIKE AND SEND PICTURES TO JESSE JAMES I LOVE BIKES MAN BIKES BIKES BIKES CAUSE LIKE THE OTHER DAY I WAS BUYING SOME BEAN DIP FOR THE LITTLE LEAGUE PARENTS MEETING AND I WAS TALKING TO THIS OTHER GUY WHO REFS THE TIGERS AND HE WAS LIKE MAN ID TRADE IT ALL FOR A RIDE ON A CHOPPER BECAUSE I WATCH THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL 24 HOURS PER DAY BECAUSE ALL THEY EVER SHOW IS CHOPPER GARAGE SHOWS AND THOSE MEN ARE ROUGH AND TOUGH AND THEY WILL BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN JUST LIKE THE WOLF IN THE THREE LITTLE PIGS EXCEPT NOT A WOLF BUT LIKE A V-TWIN WITH A BIG WIDE OPEN EXHAUST WITH NO MUFFLER BECAUSE NOISE IS GOOD AND BIKES ARE GOOD AND I LOVE CHOPPERS CHOPPPERS BEACH BARS CHROME CHOPPER RAKE MAN, I'M GONNA MAKE ME A BIKE WITH LIKE SO MUCH RAKE THAT MY BARS JUST GO STRAIGHT OUT ALL THE WAY TO STURGIS AND CHOPPERS ARE COOL BECAUSE THEY CAN'T TURN UNLESS YOU HAVE A FOOTBALL FEILD BUT THATS OK BECAUSE I'M LIVING HARD AND RIDING FREE AND I WEAR CHAPS WHEN I GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE THATS HOW HARD CORE OF A BIKER I AM JUST LIKE JESSE JAMES AND JACK NICKALOOS EXCEPT I HAVE DON'T HAVE A FOOTBALL HELMET PAINTED GOLD BUT WOULDN'T THAT BE AWESOME JUST LIKE IN EASY RIDER MAN HEY WANT TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE THE WIFE IS WATCHING THE BACHELOR II I HOPE SARAH WINS BUT ANYWAY I TAPED AMERICAN MONSTER CHOPPER GARAGE JAMES JAMES JESSE JAMES CO INC INC AND WE CAN WATCH IT IN THE KIDS ROOM BECAUSE THEY'RE AT PIANO LESSONS TILL 9 ohhh man ohhhh man I loves me some bikes **** it man lets just go to the bar right now and sell this truck right now that's how hardcore I am I mea YOU KNOW ME MAN I DON'T EVEN GET BEHIND THE WHEEL TILL I'VE HAD A SIXER MAN I DRIVE BETTER WHEN IM DRUNK JUST LIKE JESSE JAMES YOU LIKE GRASS MAN IVE GOT GRASS WE CAN GO SMOKE SOME GRASS IN MY GARAGE JUST LIKE ON EASY RIDER BUT WILL HAVE TO MOVE THE KIDS BICYCLES OUT OF THE WAY BUT THATS OK BECAUSE WE'RE HARDCORE AND WE DONT GIVE A **** CHOPPER CHOPPER APE HANGER FOOTPEG BEACH BAR EASY RIDER CHOPPER CHOPPER CHROME CUSTOM FABRICATION PAINT 17 LAYER PAINT JOB BUT THE SEAT MAKES MY ASS SORE SO NORMALLY I LIKE TO GET A GOOD SIZED PILLOW AND PUT IT DOWN THERE FOR COMFORT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS AFTER RIDING FREE FOR SO LONG YOUR ASS GETS A LITTLE SORE BUT YOU GET USED TO IT AND YOU LEARN TO LOVE IT RIGHT MAN AM I RITE? blah blah blah"
By now I'm about 6 miles away wishing Sportsters had bigger gas tanks and planning new strategies to avoid repetition # 193 of this pointless conversation.
Pointless, just like a chopper. Especially the over-the-top ones on the Discovery Channel. They are cartoon bikes. Choppers are the Desert Eagle .50 of motorcycles. Big and badass and striking and different but for all logistical and practical and resonable purposes, completely useless.
On Pump 1 I've got a middle-aged man driving a Valiant with an OCC sticker in the back window. Definite offender, better keep my distance.
Pump 3, a younger guy with a 4x4 Toyata truck. A safer bet than Pump 1, but the retiree filling his Coupe DeVille at Pump 9 looks like my best option.
I kill the motor and roll in to 8 as quiet as I can. Without getting off my bike or removing my helmet, I pull out my wallet, shove my card into the machine, pop the gas cap and grab the high octane nozzle.
If my tank was bigger than a canteen, I wouldn't have to do this so often. But the man in the Cadillac is ignoring me, so it might turn out OK.
BEEP BEEP, "Error. See Cashier". Dammit.
I drop the kickstand, take off my helmet and glasses and get in line
behind Cadillac Man. He pays for his gas and buys a banana.
Who buys fruit at a gas station?
By the time the cashier straightens me out, the Caddy next to my bike is replaced with an Expedition sporting a big giant HARLEY-DAVIDSON sticker on the back. ****.
I hoped this year would be different. I thought the hype was over. I prayed that I could go this entire year without having to discuss Jesse freaking James with some jackass American Chopper fanboy driving a rig with a bike sticker on it.
He steps out of the vehicle and looks over at my bike, and I know all my hopes and dreams for the 2005 riding season are ****ed. He walks up to me like I'm a hot peice of ass drinking a Manhattan alone at the bar.
"Hey man, nice bike."
That's usually how they start out.
"Thanks" I say, trying to sound polite and rude at the same time.
Obviously needing more from this conversation, he opts for the
"establish the bad guy" approach. "I almost bought one of these last
year but my wife wanted a new roof."
Sometimes it's better to say nothing. It makes people uncomfortable and they leave. But every now and then, keeping quiet makes them start looking over the bike and asking more annoying questions.
"That a custom exhaust?"
Well, ****. The word "custom" has been used. I panic but can only mutter out a "yep" before he launches into the inevitable banter that I was trying so hard to avoid. Once they say "custom", it's basically over.
"Yeah man I was watching Orange County choppers the other day man did you see that spider web bike man that this was sweet they like fabricated all the parts for and stuff and you love choppers don't you because I think they're sweet and on American Chopper they made a trike out of a volkswagon and did all sorts of radical stuff and it was so awesome and I want to have Jesse Jame's man babies Chopper CHOPPer rake bike stretch custom chrome and the was a bike build-off on the discovery channel did you see it and the old guy was all pissed off at the young guys and they just argued the whole time but somehow they managed to make an awesome bike I bet you saw it yeah you love them too right they made it for Shaq for like $85,000 Chopper chopper chopper choppers chopper orange county american steel chopper bike chopper frame rake ape hangers custom custom custom custom custom I love the discovery channel so much OCC WCC BAD DOG CHOPPERS CHOPPERS INC OMG I want to put beach bars on my refrigerator and like put a lowering kit on it but you know the wife making me buy a car and a house instead man but if it was up to me I'd be living free and riding free on the open road just like Peter Fonda and Jack Nicolaus but I wouldn't get killed with a shotgun you know what I mean har har cause that would suck and I saw this documentary on Sturgis and all these people were there riding free and checking out the black hills rally rally bike bike custom chopper chopper fabricate chrome chrome chrome sturgis I was gonna ride to sturgis this year but I didn't have a bike and I had a trailer to bring it but the wife made me sell the trailer hitch so she could buy a new eddie bauer stroller for our baby and some cleets for my kids man I know my kids will grow up to be bikers but right now I'm doing the parenting thing and stuff I may look soft but I'm deep down a real hardcore free riding open road biker man just like you trust me if I had the dough I'd be cruisin with you just like Orange County Choppers check out this tattoo I got it's a maltese cross I don't know what that means but its all over every chopper thing because I love choppers you love choppers we all love choppers choppers choppser choppers chopperchopper chopper CHOPPER CHOPPERPEOHRHCHEOCPEPOCHEOR OMG OMG OMG CAN I HAVE SEX WITH YOUR BIKE AND SEND PICTURES TO JESSE JAMES I LOVE BIKES MAN BIKES BIKES BIKES CAUSE LIKE THE OTHER DAY I WAS BUYING SOME BEAN DIP FOR THE LITTLE LEAGUE PARENTS MEETING AND I WAS TALKING TO THIS OTHER GUY WHO REFS THE TIGERS AND HE WAS LIKE MAN ID TRADE IT ALL FOR A RIDE ON A CHOPPER BECAUSE I WATCH THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL 24 HOURS PER DAY BECAUSE ALL THEY EVER SHOW IS CHOPPER GARAGE SHOWS AND THOSE MEN ARE ROUGH AND TOUGH AND THEY WILL BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN JUST LIKE THE WOLF IN THE THREE LITTLE PIGS EXCEPT NOT A WOLF BUT LIKE A V-TWIN WITH A BIG WIDE OPEN EXHAUST WITH NO MUFFLER BECAUSE NOISE IS GOOD AND BIKES ARE GOOD AND I LOVE CHOPPERS CHOPPPERS BEACH BARS CHROME CHOPPER RAKE MAN, I'M GONNA MAKE ME A BIKE WITH LIKE SO MUCH RAKE THAT MY BARS JUST GO STRAIGHT OUT ALL THE WAY TO STURGIS AND CHOPPERS ARE COOL BECAUSE THEY CAN'T TURN UNLESS YOU HAVE A FOOTBALL FEILD BUT THATS OK BECAUSE I'M LIVING HARD AND RIDING FREE AND I WEAR CHAPS WHEN I GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE THATS HOW HARD CORE OF A BIKER I AM JUST LIKE JESSE JAMES AND JACK NICKALOOS EXCEPT I HAVE DON'T HAVE A FOOTBALL HELMET PAINTED GOLD BUT WOULDN'T THAT BE AWESOME JUST LIKE IN EASY RIDER MAN HEY WANT TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE THE WIFE IS WATCHING THE BACHELOR II I HOPE SARAH WINS BUT ANYWAY I TAPED AMERICAN MONSTER CHOPPER GARAGE JAMES JAMES JESSE JAMES CO INC INC AND WE CAN WATCH IT IN THE KIDS ROOM BECAUSE THEY'RE AT PIANO LESSONS TILL 9 ohhh man ohhhh man I loves me some bikes **** it man lets just go to the bar right now and sell this truck right now that's how hardcore I am I mea YOU KNOW ME MAN I DON'T EVEN GET BEHIND THE WHEEL TILL I'VE HAD A SIXER MAN I DRIVE BETTER WHEN IM DRUNK JUST LIKE JESSE JAMES YOU LIKE GRASS MAN IVE GOT GRASS WE CAN GO SMOKE SOME GRASS IN MY GARAGE JUST LIKE ON EASY RIDER BUT WILL HAVE TO MOVE THE KIDS BICYCLES OUT OF THE WAY BUT THATS OK BECAUSE WE'RE HARDCORE AND WE DONT GIVE A **** CHOPPER CHOPPER APE HANGER FOOTPEG BEACH BAR EASY RIDER CHOPPER CHOPPER CHROME CUSTOM FABRICATION PAINT 17 LAYER PAINT JOB BUT THE SEAT MAKES MY ASS SORE SO NORMALLY I LIKE TO GET A GOOD SIZED PILLOW AND PUT IT DOWN THERE FOR COMFORT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS AFTER RIDING FREE FOR SO LONG YOUR ASS GETS A LITTLE SORE BUT YOU GET USED TO IT AND YOU LEARN TO LOVE IT RIGHT MAN AM I RITE? blah blah blah"
By now I'm about 6 miles away wishing Sportsters had bigger gas tanks and planning new strategies to avoid repetition # 193 of this pointless conversation.
Pointless, just like a chopper. Especially the over-the-top ones on the Discovery Channel. They are cartoon bikes. Choppers are the Desert Eagle .50 of motorcycles. Big and badass and striking and different but for all logistical and practical and resonable purposes, completely useless.
Comment